When you read this, I will already be dead...
I just intended the headline of the fax to grab the attention of Frank Zappa, hoping he would grant permission to use his song “Elvis Has Just Left the Building” to close my mock-u-mentary on Elvis sightings, “THE RETURN OF THE KING?”. I didn’t want it to be prophetic. Who would have thought that after the premiere I would receive death threats from fanatical Presley devotees, and frantic phone calls from some who implicated me in the “cover-up conspiracy”? Unknowingly, a 16mm Arrie BL, some fake sideburns and a hefty twitchin’ pelvis has gotten me all shook up on on some wacky tour of dis-graceland. This article recounts a few tales, just the tip of the iceberg really, of some of the more memorable moments.

BIRTH OF THE KING...

It all started when after an intense discussion about tabloid journalism and exploitive media, Elmo Birch and I came across this Bill Bixby-hosted special, pitifully displaying some extremely weak evidence that Elvis Presley faked his death. I was so infuriated that they were attempting to give credibility to this topic... and that Bill Bixby, who hadn’t been heard from since “The Incredible Hulk”, was trying to rejuvinate his career by exploiting the death of his more famous “Clambake” co-star. Using paradoxyl language, like referring to Elvis’s alleged death, the former “Eddie’s Father” spewed nonsensical hypotheticals beginning,“Let us assume for a moment, that Elvis is alive,” which of course, laid the groundwork for elaborate and ridiculous conspiracy theories. What went through my mind was, “How the fuck could the Hulk blatantly cash in on the hysteria of some grieving fans?!?.” The next day, Birch and I wrote the parody on Elvis sightings. Bixby has since “allegedly” died of “supposed” lymphoma.

DON’T BE CRUEL...

Never did I think I’d have to retreat into hiding like Salmon Rushdie for making a satire about Elvis sightings. The film spoofs sensationalist journalism and public naiveté using dramatized events, fake phone calls and pseudo-photographic evidence. It also “documents” supernatural and extraterrestrial links that connect Elvis to earlier cultures, a group of Elvis hunters who track him like a wild animal, and even a group of ghost hunters determined to prove he is dead. Considering that more Americans believe in U.F.O.’s than in the theory of evolution, I shouldn’t have been surprised that there are those who believe the King still walks amongst us... What did surprise me was that these people could read a flyer... and could also find their way to the theaters screening the film... What even further beffuddled me was how they could mistake this as a serious documentary on Elvis sightings... especially since the flyer portrayed an obese likeness of the King eating a Jurrasiac Park sandwich, while an inset picture showed Elvis’s head on the King Tut sarcophagus.

The more innocuous legion of Elvis kooks wanted answers... while the more horrifying, humorless gaggle of Elvis worshipers wanted blood. Either way, I was caught in this Feliniesque nightmare of flabby, 50 year old, bleached blonde, sequinned trailer park faire, whose stature most resembled Divine of Pink Flamingo fame, shouting insults and fatwa declarations at me through the gaps in their mouths. Their extreme lack of teeth was, however, supplemented by an excess of chromosomes... enough to fill a Price Club sized Mengele-like eugenics lab. It was like “Deliverance” with rhinestones. Then, there was the insipid pool of lame, regressed, pseudo-Elvis impersonators who didn’t have the talent of one of the King’s pelvic cells... threatening the theaters that screened the film. The pathetic part of it all was that I was mocking the “exploiters” of their Hero... not the “King” himself. Oh well, it didn’t matter. These folks had plopped down their six bucks to see real evidence that Elvis was alive... not a parody of Elvis sightings that mocked the idiocy of it all.

I have to say, the majority of Elvis fans “got it”, and enjoyed the film. Some Elvis impersonators have even since befriended me. Great!... now when I’m confronted by the Memphis Mob, I can say,“Hey, some of my best friends are Elvis impersonators.” According to the threats, I was to be “hung” or “shot” or maybe even hung then shot. Some were appeased by the theater manager offering them free passes to “less offensive” films. At the premiere, one woman came running out, and with the desperate tone of someone addressing some needless carnage , asked an usher,“WHY WOULD SOMEONE DO THIS?” Others didn’t make it past the opening act... three corpulant King’s singing a live version of “American Triology” with choreographed moves on a small stage below the screen. One impersonator even used the back-up aid of an Elvis puppet. A few fans were outraged, feeling we were mocking the legend of the King. We were merely poking fun at the myth of it all. Had Elvis been there, he would have been laughing, too.

SUSPICIOUS MINDS...

Shortly after “The Return of the King?” started playing New York theatrers, I started receiving strange phone calls. One of the most bizarre ones, was from an Elvis fan who had been following the film screenings. He had worked out this elaborate formula based upon the dates in which the film showed. Apparently, in the degenerated gray matter of his mind, the number 3 was the common denominator. “The power of 3’s,” he kept saying repetitively, with the eerie tone of the dentist in Marathon Man saying,“Is it safe?” He persisted that any fan of Elvis knew how the number 3 constantly appeared in his life. He saw it as a code, and wanted me to reveal when Elvis would re-emerge from hiding. Not wanting to make any enemies with one who presumably could obtain my address, I diplomatically attempted to relinquish my involvement from this conspiracy. After 35 minutes, when I was convinced that this was an isolated combination of Elvis fanaticism and schitzophrenia, the caller put his wife on. After an additional 40 minutes, I came to the realization that schitzophrenic fanaticism must be contageous. “What’s the frequency Kenneth?” barreled nervously through my head as the soft female voice kept uttering,“The power of threes...” Ultimately, I was able to convince them that I had no knowledge of when Elvis would come out of hiding. They hung up believing I was a pawn of Graceland, unknowingly aiding in the execution of their grand plan. I hung up twitching nervously.

ELVIS HAS JUST LEFT THE BUILDING...

The perfect song that really had the spirit of the film was Frank Zappa’s “Elvis Has Just Left the Building”. Trying to obtain permission to use it was an ordeal which seemed futile after about 10 faxes to his Barking Pumpkin record label failed to prompt a reply. I figured I would give it one more shot... so off again sluggishly to Kinko’s I went. However, this time to help my request stick out from the voluminous mountain of paper coughed out of their fax machine daily, I wrote in large letters,“WHEN YOU READ THIS, I WILL ALREADY BE DEAD.” I made my pitch and signed it, “Desperately Groveling, Hubie” When I got home, the phone was ringing... it was Gail Zappa, who asked for the desperately groveling Hubie. After seeing a rough-cut of the film, she called back and told me that Frank had granted permission. At that point, I though I had reached the peak of my professional life, but it didn’t end there. The next month, when Pulse magazine spoke to Frank about how rarely he allowed his music to be used in other projects, he mentioned “The Return of the King?”. Frank Zappa’s just knowing my film existed blew my mind... but his endorsement of it in print made every death threat since, worth it.

THE MOST RIDICULOUS FIVE MINUTES EVER FILMED...

I sat in the screening room with the lab tech viewing the uncorrected color print, scrutinizing the tints and tones of this scene I refer to as “Battling Kings”. In it, two Elvis impersonators are observed in a relentless rhinestone fury over territory somewhere in the American Northwest. Each tries to out-do the other in Presley-like pantomime, using flamboyant dance steps and cheesy karate moves. They end up engaged in this surreal, bull-moose type of wildlife battle. It is a scene that usually elicits uproarious laughter or on rare occassions, disgust and more death threats. Even CNN was compelled to show a clip from it in an episode of “Showbiz this Week”. On the international festival scene, festival coordinators frequently tell me that the production still from the scene is picked for publications in all the biggest newspapers. It’s a sort of cold comfort for me to hear that, when some of these independent filmmakers are eating rocks and sleeping in mud while documenting injustices in some poor, repressed country, or raising consciousness of rainforest destruction or something... and the news coverage of the festival are two fat, sequinned-studded Elvis’s belly-bucking. Anyway... wanting some feedback on the saturation of the print, I asked of the lab tech,”What do you think?” With a quizzical look, he uttered in a disturbed monotone,“I think this is the most ridiculous 5 minutes ever filmed.” “AWESOME!,” I replied enthusiastically...”Can I quote you?”

THE KING LIVES ON...

Since the madness began, “The Return of the King?” has survived the protests of the loud minority, winning some festivals, like the 1993 Long Island Film Fest for “Best Satirical Film”. It is also currently being solicited for overseas festivals and screenings, the last one being in Weisbaden, Germany, while the next one will be in Clermont-Ferrand France.

One sort of interesting footnote: our first flyer, which showed Elvis eating a Jurrasiac Park sandwich was somewhat prophetic. In our first theatrical engagement, though “The Return of the King?” was outgrossed by Jurrasiac Park for the week, it did defeat the megablockbuster when showed against it. Even though “Return of the King?” showed only once a night, it still outgrossed six other films for the week including Clint Eastwoods’s “In the Line of Fire”. I think this helps show the profitability of the low-budget independent film genre when given the proper forum, and that there is a cinematic desire for alternative filmmaking. In this particular case, It just goes to show that even the enormous ferocity of a colossal T-Rex, or the lethal firepower of a Hollywood legend could, under some circumstances, buckle under the girth of a couple of bloated Elvis’s.